Monday, August 29, 2016

The Most Awesome 8 Track Player An Outsider Poet Could Ever Have

The Aquatron VX-33 8 Track Tape Player

It is the electronic device that I have been waiting perhaps my entire life for. And I never even knew it. We didn't have an 8 Track player in our home, or car. I think my grandparents did. I remember it being a giant pain in the ass. Going into the middle of the next song in the middle of a song you were enjoying. But in 2016 it is the type of device every outsider poet should own, and use. I have only two 8 tracks in my collection so far: Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits and The Beach Boys Endless Summer. It works as pretty effective radio, too, on both the AM and FM bands. If you had a car from the 1970's it would plug right into your dashboard. So now I feel like I need an AMC Pacer or maybe a Vista Cruiser. Do a road trip down Route 66 blaring Grinderswitch on the old 8 Track. 

At Zombie Logic Press headquarters recovering from a mild stomach virus and trying to work in some fantasy football drafts this week while I still have the chance. Listening to the Cubs game but not on WGN radio, which sounds strange to say, because it has been that way all my life. Summer is almost over, and the kids are in school. 

Making lists of football players to study for my draft. Which is on Labor Day at Buffalo Wild Wings. Before then I hope to find a few more 8 Tracks to add to my collection, and perhaps a carrying case. 

Monday, August 1, 2016

Outsider Poet and Wizard Rod McKuen Has Succeeded In Becoming a Lich A Year After His Death and Will Join the Rancho Cucamonga Team

Outsider Poet and Wizard Rod McKuen Has Succeeded In Becoming a Lich A Year After His Death and Will Join the Rancho Cucamonga Team

Composer of A Boy Named Charlie Brown and over 2,500 other songs, 27 books of poetry that sold millions of copies, and former rodeo clown, disk jockey, and propaganda writer Rod McKuen has succeeded in his lifelong quest to survive his own death and become a lich. But more important to him than even this is his insistence on joining the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas outsider poetry team. His psionic ability and mind-control techniques seem to assure the already league champion team an unfair advantage in the upcoming season. 

Already having signed the fourth incarnation of Dr. Who, Tom Baker, the Rancho Cucamonga squad seems unbeatable, but other teams have also been making acquisitions during the offseason, including the Rockford Pages signing Adam Wets and The Chemung Shamans poaching outsider poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg.

Eight new teams will join the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America in 2016. Teams from Yakima and Hell, Michigan, who has already announced the signing of Helen Reddy and Helen Mirren. 

Back to Rod McKuen's lich. Because his vocal cords have atrophied due to death, McKuen has been granted a special dispensation to perform his poems. A special permit was needed from the city of Rancho Cucamonga as it is distinctly possible that when McKuen reads he will call the dead to rise from their graves and attack the citizens of Rancho Cucamonga and the state of California. The City Council granted the license, citing the popularity of shows like The Walking Dead and saying it could be a great tourist boon for the city, which despises tourists.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Rancho Cucamonga Prepares For 2017 Outsider Poetry Slam Season By Signing Dr. Who Actor Tom Baker

Rancho Cucamonga is not resting on its laurels after winning the 2016 Outsider Poetry Slam League of America Championship. General Manager Lloyd Bridges has been busy at the winter meetings reloading the roster with talented and diverse poets from all over America. Several signings have already been announced, and Rancho Cucamonga appears to be a juggernaut primed to roll over the competition in the 2017 season.


Perhaps the biggest news is that former Dr. Who and Vault of Horror star Tom Baker will be joining the Kookamungas for the 2017 season. Known best perhaps as the Fourth incarnation of Dr. Who, Baker has been quietly living in Rancho Cucamonga for two decades with his wife Sue and their two dingo dogs. He attended a bout against the Rockford Pages last month, and was said to have been so mesmerized he contacted Kookamungas GM Bridges about joining the team. Baker will be competing in home events only as he does not like to travel. 

Rumors that other celebrities will be joining the team are circulating, but are yet to be confirmed. What is known is that the team has been working hard to add talented young poets for the travel team.


Like Outsider Poet Thomas "Skark Puncher" Vaultonburg, who is in training for the upcoming season by punching sharks in the face. 

Will Dame Helen Mirren join the Kookamungas in 2017? Who knows, but it is safe to say the Kookamungas will have more surprises in store during the offseason.


Thursday, June 30, 2016

Undefeated Rancho Cucamonga Becomes Western Division Outsider Poetry Slam League Champions

At a tournament riddled with great performances, drama, and hijinx, the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas became the Western Division champions in the first season of the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America. They will meet the Kokomo Oralists, who won the Eastern Division championship after adding a woman with large breasts to their roster, in the OPSLA Championship August 7th at the Outsider Poetry Depot in Rockford, Illinois. 

Donnie Most has joined the Rancho Cucamonga squad for the Championship. All reports are that he has still got it, and he'll be attempting to give it to the Kokomo Oralists. Wacka wacka.

It has been a great season for the undefeated Rancho Cucamonga outsider poets, but they will be opposed by a Kokomo unit that is also undefeated this year. In fact, neither team has experienced a significant challenge yet in tearing through their respective divisions. But something has to give, and we'll find out what that is August 7th at the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America Championship, sponsored by Budweiser and Alpo. Special guest judge Ed McMahon has been added to the judges panel. 

So far this year, over 250,000 poetry fans have attended OPSLA bouts, far and away surpassing the wildest expectations of league founders Dr. Millard Rausch and Dr. Henry Wolfsburg, who said in an interview they are excited to announce eight new teams will be added next season, expanding the league to four divisions, the North, South, East, and West. 

Sponsors and networks have also been quick to jump on the poetry bandwagon, with Alpo, Budweiser, Trojan condoms, and Schick, Bic, and Sctick razors all expressing interest in corporate sponsorship. The Championship will be aired on USA Network as a special episode of their Night Flight vehicle.

The Rancho Cucamonga team has featured appearances by several celebrity poets this year, including Sea Penn, Jeff Bridges, both as himself and as The Dude, Jimmy JJ Walker, and two of the Three Dog Night. The relaxed beach community has shown great support for the home team and several bouts, and most of the team is expected back for next season. 

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Woman With Huge Breasts Joins Rancho Cucamonga Outsider Poetry Slam Team

A woman with huge breasts has joined the Rancho Cucamonga Outsider Poetry Slam team, leading this young Packers or maybe Oregon Ducks fan to be even dumber than usiual, depending on which might be the case. Also, the Rancho Cucamonga team is completely fictional, and I was originally going to use one of Jenny's pictures here but I'm on the wrong computer and now that I'm hunched over writing I'm not going to stop.

Many members of the Rancho Cucamonga Outsider Poetry Slam team are interesting people in their own right, aside from their physical attractiveness. Except for Barry Wentlish, who is neither attractive or interesting. We are considering voting him off the team, but that seems kind of harsh for such a copacetic group. This makes me want to watch Messiah of Evil again tonight, knowing Point Doom is an actual place near Long Beach.

At the bout in Rockford in July, we are just learning Outsider Poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg has been traded to the Chemung Shamans. We wish him good luck on getting off the abyssmal Rockford Pages team. he's certainly not Kookamunga material, but he doesn't deserve to be stuck in a place like Rockford, either.

With the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America inaugural season almost over it is time to reflect on how awesome this season has been. We have made many friends and are honored to represent the West Division in the playoffs.  


Thursday, June 9, 2016

Introducing The Blood Dark Sea

The author of our first book in the Rock River Literary Series, Jesus Correa, claims to be the best dishwasher in the world, and he is proving his claim by washing dishes tonight. Which means that for just this one night, I get to be Jesus Correa (put on hat and glasses). I'd like to read my favorite piece from Jesus' book, Iced Cream, before bringing up Dennis Gulling. This piece is called...

Then I have to read a piece from Iced Cream. Then I have to introduce outlaw poet Dennis Gulling to read from his new book The Blood Dark Sea, hopefully go back and sit behind a Stella Artois or a Heineken, and wait for the whole book release party to be over.

This will be my evening in Rockford, Illinois. And it will be the end of a several week blur of events, work, vacation, and medical assessments. I am exhausted, and I just want it to be over, but I also want to put on the best show that I can and promote Rockford poetry to the best of my ability.

When will the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas return to Rockford to compete in the Outsider Poetry Slam? Not sure. But I need an evening of watching the Monster Club, listening to the rain, and not worrying about results of an Echocardiogram. I hope that a slow response from my cardiologist means he doesn't see anything that constitutes an emergency, but I know enough about our medical system to know it could easily mean he just hasn't looked at it yet. 

Getting this book release party off my plate will reduce my stress level immensely. I have to write a poem about Jesus Correa, then pick out a poem from his book I want to read. Knowing that it will be a small crowd of mostly family and friends just isn't much help now. It is three in the afternoon, but it feels like I've been awake for weeks. Seven states last week. Haven't caught up yet. All my blogs unfed. It's hard to squeeze weeks worth of relaxing into two days, especially when you have to work.


Friday, May 13, 2016

The Dude Makes a Special Appearance For the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamunga Poetry Slam Team Saturday Night

The Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas were being soundly drubbed by the Rockford Page's at our Outsider Poetry Slam League of America match Saturday night in Rockford when The Dude made a surprise appearance and completely swung the momentum of the match in favor of the Kookamungas when he read this poem, The Dude's Prayer, by Outsider Poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg. 



The Dude's Prayer

never inflict upon me
the wisdom to discern
shit from shinola

or lead me into
skirmish, scrum,
or uncompensated
wrangle

rapture me not
away from green
pastures
or darken the path
of Cosmic Bowling
Night

allow my slumber
to be a golden hum,
unbroken by the crackle
of angels wings
or The Eagles Greatest Hits.
-Thomas L. Vaultonburg 2006

But the Rockford squad was cool in defeat and many Caucasions were hoisted that evening. You might not like this poem, but that's just like your opinion, man.