Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Jack Chick Joins the Hell Hollerers Outsider Poetry Team

Jack Chick has joined the Hell Hollerers of the Southern Outsider Poetry Slam League of America and will be firing up some heated poems for the 2017 season. It still hasn't sunk in that we were really the OPSLA champs of 2016 and still haven't been defeated in league play. We're all looking forward to the 2017 season, which should be a real doozy with several new teams joining the league, including the Hell Hollerers and the Yakima Yakkers.

The inclusion of Jack Chick to the Hollerers will no doubt increase their standing in a somewhat inchoate Southern Division.

If he is half as fiery as a spoken word artist as he was as founder of Crusader Comics, he could be a force in the 2017 season. The Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas certainly aren't a team to shy away from keen competition, so as I sit here watching night two of the World Series, I certainly hope the six new franchises will provide us with some keen competition. 

Speaking of Outsider Poetry and the Satanic Panic, Zombie Logic Press is observing its twentieth year in business. I'd say celebrating, but there's not much to celebrate in the poetry publishing words. Twenty years is impressive. Go fuck yourself.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Earl Gray and Outsider Poetry

Watching All the Colors of the Dark again and laying on the heating pad. Just finished my yoga for the day, and had my final cup of tea. September in Northern Illinois is a confusing time. Half the day I've had the heater on, and now I have the windows open trying to get it cool so I can sleep. 

Originally I began drinking Earl Gray tea so I could stop drinking diet soda because I take Warfarin and I wanted to reduce the amount of stomach acid I have. I have been drinking it for about five years thinking I was doing myself a favor. Certainly it had to be better for me than soda pop.

But lately I've has nausea quite a few days. Nausea even without heartburn.

This is frightening because if I start to bleed it will be hard to stop it, so I'm not trying to ween myself off of tea and/or consume it in a more sensible manner. For instance, I didn't know it was a bad idea to drink it either with an empty stomach or a full stomach. It makes sense once you know why, but I usually have tea right when I wake up, and after I eat. So apparently I'm consuming it all wrong. 

I'd hate to give it up altogether because it's the one indulgence I allow myself. Of course I had been having a cheat day once or twice a month where I do drink some Tab Cola and eat chocolate. I think these days are over entirely. Of course I really have been pushing it lately. More beers, more chicken wings and fatty foods. Sodas. If I am sensible and cut all of these things to the bare minimum I may be able to keep a few cups of tea a day in my life.

I hope so. 

Finished a couple of outsider poems I had been working on a couple of weeks ago. Then I organized all the poems I had written since my last book into a file. Have been crazy worried about this nut Trump winning the election between being obsessed with my health and financial strains.

Feels good to talk about it. To myself. 

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Rancho Cucamonga Passes Sales Tax Increase To Build Outsider Poetry Slam Stadium

Ecstatic over the Rancho Cucamonga team's victory in the 2016 Outsider Poetry Slam bowl, the Rancho Cucamonga city council passed a sales tax increase this week which will allow the city to build a new stadium for the team. Construction on the Kookamunga Dome will begin next week, and is expected to be finished three weeks from Thursday.

The citizens of Rancho Cucamonga, in a non-binding vote also voted for the tax increase by a 98% margin. Long time citizen Marge Kokenheimer echoed the sentiments of many Kookamonians by saying "We're just really behind the poetry team and think this stadium will ensure that they will remain here for a long, long time." 

The team feels the same way about their loyal fans. Team captain Loyd Bridges, who starred in Sea Hunt, says it would be hard to imagine the grind of a twelve bout poetry slam season without the encouragement of the fans and the support of his family. 

Because the Kookamungas are the defending Outsider Poetry Slam League of America champions, the Manwich Cup will be held in Rancho Cucamonga this season. 

Corporate sponsors have besieged the city council to secure naming rights for the stadium, with the top contenders being Chicken of the Sea tuna and Pillsbury Biscuits. 

It gets increasingly more difficult to write these goofy blogs about a non existent outsider poetry slam league. 

Monday, August 29, 2016

The Most Awesome 8 Track Player An Outsider Poet Could Ever Have

The Aquatron VX-33 8 Track Tape Player

It is the electronic device that I have been waiting perhaps my entire life for. And I never even knew it. We didn't have an 8 Track player in our home, or car. I think my grandparents did. I remember it being a giant pain in the ass. Going into the middle of the next song in the middle of a song you were enjoying. But in 2016 it is the type of device every outsider poet should own, and use. I have only two 8 tracks in my collection so far: Bob Dylan's Greatest Hits and The Beach Boys Endless Summer. It works as pretty effective radio, too, on both the AM and FM bands. If you had a car from the 1970's it would plug right into your dashboard. So now I feel like I need an AMC Pacer or maybe a Vista Cruiser. Do a road trip down Route 66 blaring Grinderswitch on the old 8 Track. 

At Zombie Logic Press headquarters recovering from a mild stomach virus and trying to work in some fantasy football drafts this week while I still have the chance. Listening to the Cubs game but not on WGN radio, which sounds strange to say, because it has been that way all my life. Summer is almost over, and the kids are in school. 

Making lists of football players to study for my draft. Which is on Labor Day at Buffalo Wild Wings. Before then I hope to find a few more 8 Tracks to add to my collection, and perhaps a carrying case. 

Monday, August 1, 2016

Outsider Poet and Wizard Rod McKuen Has Succeeded In Becoming a Lich A Year After His Death and Will Join the Rancho Cucamonga Team

Outsider Poet and Wizard Rod McKuen Has Succeeded In Becoming a Lich A Year After His Death and Will Join the Rancho Cucamonga Team

Composer of A Boy Named Charlie Brown and over 2,500 other songs, 27 books of poetry that sold millions of copies, and former rodeo clown, disk jockey, and propaganda writer Rod McKuen has succeeded in his lifelong quest to survive his own death and become a lich. But more important to him than even this is his insistence on joining the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas outsider poetry team. His psionic ability and mind-control techniques seem to assure the already league champion team an unfair advantage in the upcoming season. 

Already having signed the fourth incarnation of Dr. Who, Tom Baker, the Rancho Cucamonga squad seems unbeatable, but other teams have also been making acquisitions during the offseason, including the Rockford Pages signing Adam Wets and The Chemung Shamans poaching outsider poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg.

Eight new teams will join the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America in 2016. Teams from Yakima and Hell, Michigan, who has already announced the signing of Helen Reddy and Helen Mirren. 

Back to Rod McKuen's lich. Because his vocal cords have atrophied due to death, McKuen has been granted a special dispensation to perform his poems. A special permit was needed from the city of Rancho Cucamonga as it is distinctly possible that when McKuen reads he will call the dead to rise from their graves and attack the citizens of Rancho Cucamonga and the state of California. The City Council granted the license, citing the popularity of shows like The Walking Dead and saying it could be a great tourist boon for the city, which despises tourists.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Rancho Cucamonga Prepares For 2017 Outsider Poetry Slam Season By Signing Dr. Who Actor Tom Baker

Rancho Cucamonga is not resting on its laurels after winning the 2016 Outsider Poetry Slam League of America Championship. General Manager Lloyd Bridges has been busy at the winter meetings reloading the roster with talented and diverse poets from all over America. Several signings have already been announced, and Rancho Cucamonga appears to be a juggernaut primed to roll over the competition in the 2017 season.

Perhaps the biggest news is that former Dr. Who and Vault of Horror star Tom Baker will be joining the Kookamungas for the 2017 season. Known best perhaps as the Fourth incarnation of Dr. Who, Baker has been quietly living in Rancho Cucamonga for two decades with his wife Sue and their two dingo dogs. He attended a bout against the Rockford Pages last month, and was said to have been so mesmerized he contacted Kookamungas GM Bridges about joining the team. Baker will be competing in home events only as he does not like to travel. 

Rumors that other celebrities will be joining the team are circulating, but are yet to be confirmed. What is known is that the team has been working hard to add talented young poets for the travel team.

Like Outsider Poet Thomas "Skark Puncher" Vaultonburg, who is in training for the upcoming season by punching sharks in the face. 

Will Dame Helen Mirren join the Kookamungas in 2017? Who knows, but it is safe to say the Kookamungas will have more surprises in store during the offseason.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Undefeated Rancho Cucamonga Becomes Western Division Outsider Poetry Slam League Champions

At a tournament riddled with great performances, drama, and hijinx, the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas became the Western Division champions in the first season of the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America. They will meet the Kokomo Oralists, who won the Eastern Division championship after adding a woman with large breasts to their roster, in the OPSLA Championship August 7th at the Outsider Poetry Depot in Rockford, Illinois. 

Donnie Most has joined the Rancho Cucamonga squad for the Championship. All reports are that he has still got it, and he'll be attempting to give it to the Kokomo Oralists. Wacka wacka.

It has been a great season for the undefeated Rancho Cucamonga outsider poets, but they will be opposed by a Kokomo unit that is also undefeated this year. In fact, neither team has experienced a significant challenge yet in tearing through their respective divisions. But something has to give, and we'll find out what that is August 7th at the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America Championship, sponsored by Budweiser and Alpo. Special guest judge Ed McMahon has been added to the judges panel. 

So far this year, over 250,000 poetry fans have attended OPSLA bouts, far and away surpassing the wildest expectations of league founders Dr. Millard Rausch and Dr. Henry Wolfsburg, who said in an interview they are excited to announce eight new teams will be added next season, expanding the league to four divisions, the North, South, East, and West. 

Sponsors and networks have also been quick to jump on the poetry bandwagon, with Alpo, Budweiser, Trojan condoms, and Schick, Bic, and Sctick razors all expressing interest in corporate sponsorship. The Championship will be aired on USA Network as a special episode of their Night Flight vehicle.

The Rancho Cucamonga team has featured appearances by several celebrity poets this year, including Sea Penn, Jeff Bridges, both as himself and as The Dude, Jimmy JJ Walker, and two of the Three Dog Night. The relaxed beach community has shown great support for the home team and several bouts, and most of the team is expected back for next season. 

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Woman With Huge Breasts Joins Rancho Cucamonga Outsider Poetry Slam Team

A woman with huge breasts has joined the Rancho Cucamonga Outsider Poetry Slam team, leading this young Packers or maybe Oregon Ducks fan to be even dumber than usiual, depending on which might be the case. Also, the Rancho Cucamonga team is completely fictional, and I was originally going to use one of Jenny's pictures here but I'm on the wrong computer and now that I'm hunched over writing I'm not going to stop.

Many members of the Rancho Cucamonga Outsider Poetry Slam team are interesting people in their own right, aside from their physical attractiveness. Except for Barry Wentlish, who is neither attractive or interesting. We are considering voting him off the team, but that seems kind of harsh for such a copacetic group. This makes me want to watch Messiah of Evil again tonight, knowing Point Doom is an actual place near Long Beach.

At the bout in Rockford in July, we are just learning Outsider Poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg has been traded to the Chemung Shamans. We wish him good luck on getting off the abyssmal Rockford Pages team. he's certainly not Kookamunga material, but he doesn't deserve to be stuck in a place like Rockford, either.

With the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America inaugural season almost over it is time to reflect on how awesome this season has been. We have made many friends and are honored to represent the West Division in the playoffs.  

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Introducing The Blood Dark Sea

The author of our first book in the Rock River Literary Series, Jesus Correa, claims to be the best dishwasher in the world, and he is proving his claim by washing dishes tonight. Which means that for just this one night, I get to be Jesus Correa (put on hat and glasses). I'd like to read my favorite piece from Jesus' book, Iced Cream, before bringing up Dennis Gulling. This piece is called...

Then I have to read a piece from Iced Cream. Then I have to introduce outlaw poet Dennis Gulling to read from his new book The Blood Dark Sea, hopefully go back and sit behind a Stella Artois or a Heineken, and wait for the whole book release party to be over.

This will be my evening in Rockford, Illinois. And it will be the end of a several week blur of events, work, vacation, and medical assessments. I am exhausted, and I just want it to be over, but I also want to put on the best show that I can and promote Rockford poetry to the best of my ability.

When will the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas return to Rockford to compete in the Outsider Poetry Slam? Not sure. But I need an evening of watching the Monster Club, listening to the rain, and not worrying about results of an Echocardiogram. I hope that a slow response from my cardiologist means he doesn't see anything that constitutes an emergency, but I know enough about our medical system to know it could easily mean he just hasn't looked at it yet. 

Getting this book release party off my plate will reduce my stress level immensely. I have to write a poem about Jesus Correa, then pick out a poem from his book I want to read. Knowing that it will be a small crowd of mostly family and friends just isn't much help now. It is three in the afternoon, but it feels like I've been awake for weeks. Seven states last week. Haven't caught up yet. All my blogs unfed. It's hard to squeeze weeks worth of relaxing into two days, especially when you have to work.

Friday, May 13, 2016

The Dude Makes a Special Appearance For the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamunga Poetry Slam Team Saturday Night

The Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas were being soundly drubbed by the Rockford Page's at our Outsider Poetry Slam League of America match Saturday night in Rockford when The Dude made a surprise appearance and completely swung the momentum of the match in favor of the Kookamungas when he read this poem, The Dude's Prayer, by Outsider Poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg. 

The Dude's Prayer

never inflict upon me
the wisdom to discern
shit from shinola

or lead me into
skirmish, scrum,
or uncompensated

rapture me not
away from green
or darken the path
of Cosmic Bowling

allow my slumber
to be a golden hum,
unbroken by the crackle
of angels wings
or The Eagles Greatest Hits.
-Thomas L. Vaultonburg 2006

But the Rockford squad was cool in defeat and many Caucasions were hoisted that evening. You might not like this poem, but that's just like your opinion, man.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Rancho Cucamonga Outsider Poetry

As one of the five holy cities of Outsider Poetry, Rancho Cucamonga takes the tradition of Outsider Poetry very seriously. The mayor of Rancho Cucamonga has declared the first Monday of every month Outsider Poetry day citywide. 

Poet laureate of Rancho Cucamonga, James Laurenson, presides over an open mic poetry slam on Friday nights at the Legion Hall where all residents of The Kook, as it is affectionately known to the locals, are encouraged to participate.

James Laurenson, the Poet Laureate of Rancho Cucamonga

Rancho Cucamonga was actually the first of the five sacred cities of Outsider Poetry to adopt a city charter. In 1878 the residents released an anthology entitled Koo Koo Cucamonga, containing poetry written by every resident of the city except the local baker, Savil Studly, who abstained due to aesthetic differences with the editor, Festus Livermore. The anthology went through eight editions, and is now considered a classic of American literature. 

Other notable Outsider Poets have been residents of Rancho Cucamonga, including Loyd Bridges of the television program Ocean Hunt, and inventor of the paper clip Charles Bekinger. 

The Outsider Poetry League of Rancho Cucamonga is currently looking for someone to create an archival Wiki page for the history of the city. 

Update: We have just learned that Mexican slam poet champion Chico Isthman has agreed to join the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas slam team for the 2016 season. 

We have just learned our first slam will be against Kokomo on May 7th.

Also, as a result of our recruitment drive held at Rancho Cucamonga Dry Cleaners we are pleased to announce the addition of new members Squints Whizner and Becky Bach to the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas. Both have mad written word and performance skills that will add immeasurably to the team. 

We'll be there in Rockford May 11th for the debut bout of the Outsider Poetry League of America! Stay tuned because we'll be having some very exciting news soon about new members and a corporate sponsorship.