Thursday, June 30, 2016

Undefeated Rancho Cucamonga Becomes Western Division Outsider Poetry Slam League Champions

At a tournament riddled with great performances, drama, and hijinx, the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas became the Western Division champions in the first season of the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America. They will meet the Kokomo Oralists, who won the Eastern Division championship after adding a woman with large breasts to their roster, in the OPSLA Championship August 7th at the Outsider Poetry Depot in Rockford, Illinois. 

Donnie Most has joined the Rancho Cucamonga squad for the Championship. All reports are that he has still got it, and he'll be attempting to give it to the Kokomo Oralists. Wacka wacka.

It has been a great season for the undefeated Rancho Cucamonga outsider poets, but they will be opposed by a Kokomo unit that is also undefeated this year. In fact, neither team has experienced a significant challenge yet in tearing through their respective divisions. But something has to give, and we'll find out what that is August 7th at the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America Championship, sponsored by Budweiser and Alpo. Special guest judge Ed McMahon has been added to the judges panel. 

So far this year, over 250,000 poetry fans have attended OPSLA bouts, far and away surpassing the wildest expectations of league founders Dr. Millard Rausch and Dr. Henry Wolfsburg, who said in an interview they are excited to announce eight new teams will be added next season, expanding the league to four divisions, the North, South, East, and West. 

Sponsors and networks have also been quick to jump on the poetry bandwagon, with Alpo, Budweiser, Trojan condoms, and Schick, Bic, and Sctick razors all expressing interest in corporate sponsorship. The Championship will be aired on USA Network as a special episode of their Night Flight vehicle.

The Rancho Cucamonga team has featured appearances by several celebrity poets this year, including Sea Penn, Jeff Bridges, both as himself and as The Dude, Jimmy JJ Walker, and two of the Three Dog Night. The relaxed beach community has shown great support for the home team and several bouts, and most of the team is expected back for next season. 

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Woman With Huge Breasts Joins Rancho Cucamonga Outsider Poetry Slam Team

A woman with huge breasts has joined the Rancho Cucamonga Outsider Poetry Slam team, leading this young Packers or maybe Oregon Ducks fan to be even dumber than usiual, depending on which might be the case. Also, the Rancho Cucamonga team is completely fictional, and I was originally going to use one of Jenny's pictures here but I'm on the wrong computer and now that I'm hunched over writing I'm not going to stop.

Many members of the Rancho Cucamonga Outsider Poetry Slam team are interesting people in their own right, aside from their physical attractiveness. Except for Barry Wentlish, who is neither attractive or interesting. We are considering voting him off the team, but that seems kind of harsh for such a copacetic group. This makes me want to watch Messiah of Evil again tonight, knowing Point Doom is an actual place near Long Beach.

At the bout in Rockford in July, we are just learning Outsider Poet Thomas L. Vaultonburg has been traded to the Chemung Shamans. We wish him good luck on getting off the abyssmal Rockford Pages team. he's certainly not Kookamunga material, but he doesn't deserve to be stuck in a place like Rockford, either.

With the Outsider Poetry Slam League of America inaugural season almost over it is time to reflect on how awesome this season has been. We have made many friends and are honored to represent the West Division in the playoffs.  

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Introducing The Blood Dark Sea

The author of our first book in the Rock River Literary Series, Jesus Correa, claims to be the best dishwasher in the world, and he is proving his claim by washing dishes tonight. Which means that for just this one night, I get to be Jesus Correa (put on hat and glasses). I'd like to read my favorite piece from Jesus' book, Iced Cream, before bringing up Dennis Gulling. This piece is called...

Then I have to read a piece from Iced Cream. Then I have to introduce outlaw poet Dennis Gulling to read from his new book The Blood Dark Sea, hopefully go back and sit behind a Stella Artois or a Heineken, and wait for the whole book release party to be over.

This will be my evening in Rockford, Illinois. And it will be the end of a several week blur of events, work, vacation, and medical assessments. I am exhausted, and I just want it to be over, but I also want to put on the best show that I can and promote Rockford poetry to the best of my ability.

When will the Rancho Cucamonga Kookamungas return to Rockford to compete in the Outsider Poetry Slam? Not sure. But I need an evening of watching the Monster Club, listening to the rain, and not worrying about results of an Echocardiogram. I hope that a slow response from my cardiologist means he doesn't see anything that constitutes an emergency, but I know enough about our medical system to know it could easily mean he just hasn't looked at it yet. 

Getting this book release party off my plate will reduce my stress level immensely. I have to write a poem about Jesus Correa, then pick out a poem from his book I want to read. Knowing that it will be a small crowd of mostly family and friends just isn't much help now. It is three in the afternoon, but it feels like I've been awake for weeks. Seven states last week. Haven't caught up yet. All my blogs unfed. It's hard to squeeze weeks worth of relaxing into two days, especially when you have to work.